On Monday I will be 31 weeks pregnant and I really haven't thought too much, let alone blog, about my pregnancy. This blog is for me, which means it may seem a bit dramatic but it is honestly how I have felt during this time. So here it is... Enjoy
Back Story
Brent and I had been trying to start a family for roughly 18 months the first time I got pregnant in January 2012. After some failed fertility assistance, we became pregnant all on our own. This was a huge surprise but at the 6 week appointment we discovered the baby wasn't growing. I thought I could wait to miscarry naturally but after two weeks of mental anguish and hormonal insanity, I decided to have the doctor assist us. Three weeks after that, I became pregnant again in March 2012, not realizing it until later April. Now some people say getting pregnant was an accident when it wasn't, trust me when I say I didn't realize I could even get pregnant at that point. Due to the short time between the surgery and conceiving my body wasn't prepared to carry a baby and after a few ultrasounds, we discovered the baby had once again not developed. This time I was able to take medication that began the miscarry process in June 2012.
That was pretty terrible to live through, but honestly I see a lot of blessing in those experiences. I got to see my husband's unwavering faith that we would have a family. I was able to know that I could in fact become pregnant which I wasn't sure of only six months before. I got the assurance that I really was ready to start a family. I was also able to pray to my Heavenly Father that I could handle it and every time I would receive the same answer, that it would all be okay. If you have never miscarried it is hard to understand the pain that goes with it or the lasting effects.
First Trimester Timeline of Events
After two miscarriages in six months I needed a break. It had been nearly two years of trying and we were exhausted. In August, we decided to start trying again, but I was so tired of talking about pregnancy, getting pregnant and getting everyone's hopes up so we decided not to tell anyone. It was a month later that I became pregnant. After such a rough year, Heavenly Father blessed me with little insights. The first insight I had with this was only days after trying. Just like a flash of light, I knew it had worked and I was pregnant. I didn't tell anybody because I could have easily been kidding myself but when the test(s) came up positive I wasn't surprised. If you are counting, that means I had been pregnant three times in a nine month span... insanity!
With my first two pregnancy I instantly gained 5 pounds and became very emotional. With this pregnancy I gained no weight and was emotionally fine (Brent may dispute this but I was). Instead of those symptoms, I just got really really sick. Morning sickness was terrible. I was worried this meant things were bad and once again I would miscarry. Luckily, my doctor was sympathetic and scheduled a few ultrasounds. The first was too early to hear a heart beat so we had to wait another 4 days, it should have been 7 days but I couldn't wait that long, if this wasn't going to work I couldn't drag it out. At the second ultrasound we saw the blinking light that we had never been able to see before. I was really amazed and grateful. My eyes got watery and it was like I took the first breath in a year. I could have stared at that blinking light for hours.
The doctor spoke to us after and that was the first time I realized I knew almost everything about the science behind getting pregnant (seriously I know way way too much) but I knew nothing about actually being pregnant. My doctor gave me his normal speech which basically told me to live my life normally. I could eat/drink anything I want but if it looked sketchy I was to steer clear, just like I normally would. I could work out and travel as I always had. His one big rule is NO GOOGLE. If I have a question or concern I am to call him and not rely on some dramatic or wrong internet post board. These sounded like rules I could live by.
Although we had a heart beat, mentally I wasn't really able to believe it. Brent and I jokingly decided that part of the problem with the first two was that we gave the babies nick names of small items (widget and dot) so this time around we gave it a larger nickname, Refrigerator, so we cautiously told our families that we were currently growing a Refrigerator.
Every November my work has a large Gala/Auction. I was really excited about getting all dressed up and bought a fabulous dress before I knew I was pregnant. Unfortunately, the week of the gala my morning sickness kicked into high gear and fostered by some terrible medication I became even more sick. I broke down at work from being super sick and crazy, which landed me in urgent care. Everything with the baby was fine but the medication was tormenting me. Brent and I had already booked our tickets to Thailand for Thanksgiving. At my worst moment I was sitting in bed crying because I knew I would never make it as sick as I was. I have to give props to Brent who really handled the whole situation like a champ. He worked from home, bought me anything he thought would help (even though none of it did), and let me say/do anything I thought would help (even though none of it did). I really LOVE that man. After it left my system I was still sick 24 hours a day but at least I was in my right mind. Sadly, this happened the week of the gala and I had to return my dress two days later unused. I am still a little sad about that.
Over the next few weeks I was still REALLY sick. I lost a total of ten pounds but managed to work out 3 times a week and kept down as much food as I could. Thailand was its own adventure with its own blog posts. I was still sick but managed to see everything with a ton of AMAZING experiences.
On the 50 hour flight home, I started to spot a little bit (TMI Sorry). After a few days of increased amounts, I was getting worried. I was 12 weeks along and which is still very common to miscarry at. My internal argument began; part of me knew it was very normal and part of me was freaking out. I decided to call my doctor and let them decide what I should do. I love my doctor because I was told to come in for an ultrasound. Brent and I were both convinced it would be bad news. This is part of the "conditioning" of miscarriage. If you always expect bad news you are never devastated. It is a messed-up coping mechanism, but it really helped me the first and second time around.
As soon as the wand touch my stomach, I saw the baby hop up and down. I ask "Was that because I was moving?" The technician (a super cute girl) said "Nope that was the baby hopping up and down."
Did you know babies jump? I had no idea they could jump at 12 weeks. It was a really awe-inspiring experience to see a little baby growing. A week later I went to my 13 week check up. Everything was perfectly normal.
Mental State
This will be short since I feel like part of the picture was already painted above. My mental state in the first trimester was denial. To clarify it was not that I didn't want to be pregnant, but that I had yet to have a good experience with being pregnant. I was making sure that if things went wrong I would be able to survive it and try again in the future. This was definitely difficult because everyone around me (at work, church, friends ect) were so excited about it and beside being sick I didn't really recognize what was happening inside of me. In the first trimester my pregnancy wasn't real. I didn't read baby books, I wasn't looking at different cribs, we weren't discussing names, I didn't care to look at baby clothes or diapers or anything else. When people asked me how things are going I could only ever say "I just feel a little sick". Overall, I really didn't want to make the pregnancy into a big deal. I know this put a few people out because I wasn't reacting in the expected manner, but I didn't really have the expected experience either.
Let me stress that this reaction was not due to fact that I didn't want to be pregnant, because I very much did. This wasn't even a truly conscious decision, so for the first trimester my mental state was truly thinking that any day I would get a call saying something had gone wrong. With that expectation I put all my focus on being sick not on being pregnant. If you think it is an unhealthy reaction, I would congratulate you because you are right it isn't healthy, but I don't think it was totally messed up either.
Physical State
Sick. Very Very Very Sick.
Overall Experience
It was a first trimester. I am grateful that I had family and friends to be excited when I was more aloof. I am really grateful that I had so many women who had been through it before and could give me some remedies to rid myself of the sickness. I am most grateful for every time I got to see the baby. I think those are the only times in the entire first trimester that I really was able to be excited about having a baby. I am REALLY grateful for the technology that let me have those experiences, because those were by far the most special.
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