***NOTE: THIS IS LONG, THERE ARE SHORTER PICTURE BLOGS BELOW***
So now is the time to blog and reflect about some sad news. Since I treat my blog like my journal I think I better include it, and if you read my blog you probably already knew but if not I will give you the whole story.
Brent and I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year now and I have been seeing a specialist for about 6 months. On January 26, 2012 I decided it was time to do an exploratory surgery to get some answers. A week later I had an inkling and took a pregnancy test. It came out positive. I couldn't believe it so I took 7 more test and had a blood test done before I told Brent (he wasn't too happy about being left in the dark). Needless to say I was pretty excited but it was also surreal.
That weekend Brent's parents and my mom, sisters (minus Audrey) and cousins came into town. Brent made really cute slide shows to announce it. My dad asked if we could call the baby widget and of course I said "YES!".
My first ultra sound was the Friday after all the family left and I was 6 weeks and 6 days along. This is when most women say it becomes "real" for them, so I was anxious to see the baby and hear the heartbeat. Our appointment was at 6:45 am with a technician. Everything was going fine until she looked at me and said "um, do you think you can wait for the doctor to get here, there is something I want him to look at."
Did red flags go up for you because they were flying all over the place for me! I asked her what but being a technician she couldn't really answer. I finally looked at her and said "I know you technically can't tell me what you are seeing because you aren't the doctor, but I bet you have a really good guess on what you are wanting the doctor to look at." She blushed and then answered that the size didn't look right, that was enough for me. When Dr. Shapiro came in at 8:00 am we did another ultra sound and he said I was measuring at 5 weeks 3 days not 6 weeks 6 days. For the first trimester that is a big difference. He said conception could have been off, but overall his tone was concerned. All we could do was wait a week and see what happened.
A week of worrying went by and then we were back in the office. It came out as bad news, the baby had stopped developing. Dr. Shapiro was great and met with me just to assure me that it was nothing I did or didn't do that caused this. Essentially, it was a chromosomal malfunction in the developing fetus that caused it to stop growing. He told me I could wait to miscarry or that we could do the procedure and have it removed. I decided to wait.
I was pretty upset, which he understood. Luckily, Brent had his mind together enough to ask "What does this mean for the future." This is the really good news part, I can get pregnant! I can do it without assistance (not saying that assistance wouldn't be beneficial). He said this miscarry is strictly related to this fetus and any other pregnancy has the ability to be successful.
Unfortunately, the good news didn't make the bad news any less devastating. After, I found out it was all I could think about, but there really wasn't anything to actually "think" about. I just kept thinking "I was pregnant, the baby didn't grow, it wasn't my fault, but now it is over." There really wasn't anything else to consider. I think Heavenly Father really helped me not get to excited initially. I thought it was just surreal but there might have been another reason I wasn't as excited as I should have been.
Telling people was difficult, not because they weren't supportive but because I didn't want them to feel bad for me or awkward around me. I am NOT good an consoling people (seriously you should watch me try, I make the most inappropriate jokes and statements!) and I am also not great at being consoled. I knew a lot of people wanted to help me process the information but really there wasn't anything to process like I said all there really was to think about was "I was pregnant, the baby didn't grow, it wasn't my fault, but now it is over."
I was pretty consumed the first week of waiting. I still had all the pregnancy symptoms because my body hadn't figured out the widget wasn't growing. By the second week, I was almost back to myself until I bleed a little. I was shocked into silence thinking it was finally happening. I thought it was the start of the end, until I didn't bleed anymore. I called my doctor the next day and he had me come in to do another ultra sound. It turned out it had been a fluke and that because I was nearing ten weeks it was really no longer safe to wait, since the body has trouble miscarrying completely after ten weeks.
I was so grateful for this. I don't think it had hit me how miserable it was to experience all the pregnancy symptoms while just waiting and waiting to lose the baby you wanted so bad. Anytime, I thought I was moving on something would happen that would send me back into being consumed and overwhelmed by it. I needed this pregnancy to be over for my mental health more than anything else. Brent really got behind the idea when he realized I was having breakdowns daily ( I might have kept those a secret because I wanted him to think I was okay, but I really REALLY wasn't).
I then went through HELL getting insurance in line and I had to go back to my primary doctor to actually preform the procedure, but I did learn when you cry and really convey how desperate and miserable you are, people are willing to help you out. I am very grateful for that.
I had the procedure done yesterday. I was fully under so the worst part of everything was the IV in my hand (which would have been the most miserable part anyway). All the nurses were amazing, as usual, and both doctors did say hello to me, so I guess I can't complain there.
After waking up, Brent says I told him the reason the baby stopped developing was because it was a koala bear, and it knew that it couldn't have human parents. I am glad he thinks I cute because I am sure most guys would think I am crazy!
I feel pretty good but was instructed to take it easy for a few days before returning to normal activity. I was also told that I will experience major mood swings, weight changes, the "baby blues" and possible depression over the next month as my hormone level return to normal. I am sure Brent is excited about that.
I thought I would feel really different after the procedure but I physically I feel the same. Mentally, however, I feel so much more free to move on.
This has been a really tough journey, as I am sure it is for any women experiencing it. The hardest part it admitting how hard it was for me. Whenever I talked with people about it, I spun it into a positive thing, which it is but for the moment it really really sucked. I think it should suck right now though, and it will suck a little less every day.
Although this has been miserable and emotional experience there were so many great things that came from this. I am reminded how much support someone will get when they really need it, and especially from people they don't expect. I am reminded that I have an amazing husband who will get behind anything when I really need it, and put up with me when I am acting crazy from sadness and hormones.
I am mainly reminded that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and gives me so many ways to feel His love and support all the time. I think this might have been a way to assure me that although I won't have a child right now I will get to have an eternal family in the future. Now that I know I can get pregnant, I can look forward to when it happens and not "if" it will happen.
Sorry this was so long, but it is something important for me to remember and maybe help someone else who is experiencing the same thing.
